January 18th, 2007
|10:49 am - First love story|
Long promised first love story. Here it goes. Just remember back in a days, we started later. None of my friends got pregnant when they were 13, we didn't start drinking until 16 or 17, the whole world moved at a slower pace.
Oh, and another thing - I'm not very eloquent writer, and to tell the truth, I'm not a writer at all. So, without further ado...
( Read onCollapse )
Current Mood: okay
January 16th, 2007
|01:49 pm - Junk|
Sometimes I'm amazed by how much junk we accumulate over lifetime. School trophys, concert tickets, first sweetheart's love letter, 20 year old trip maps, old pictures of people we barely remember. Each one of us has a little box of stuff from over the years, from different eras.
I have a box containing, first driver license, couple of silver rings I used to wear, already darkened over time and obviously not fitting anymore, small greenish stone that was given by some girl I can't even remember, but recall it as a very romantic experience, my first earring, toy soldier and few more trinkets.
I have few albums filled with pictures of me, my family, my girlfriends and friends. Why do I keep them, they have no value to anybody except me, but what is it, the sentimental value?
I think maybe it's some kind of connection to our past, our milestones, tying us up to certain events of our lives. They are markers in our memories, proving those memories are real and that life was not imagined.
After we're gone, it becomes what it really is - junk, essentially reducing our lives to nothing. There will be a little remembrance for about two generations and then it's over...
Why, knowing all this, I still save all those useless bits of my life in a box?
Current Mood: melancholy
January 11th, 2007
|12:53 pm - Orgasms|
smokkee911 nudged me nicely today, pointing out that I've promised to talk about orgasms, but never actually have.
It's been awhile, since i've decided to talk about it, i can't remember what i wanted to say, but what the hell, I can always try to bs my way through, right?
So, why does it happen sometimes you're having the best sex of your life, everything is so wonderful, you're floating in a cloud of happiness, your sweaty bodies rub against each other, the climax is very near and you know, you just simply know it's gonna be an explosion of feelings, an eruption of primal sensations and then when it comes, there is almost nothing, like when you knock down a fire hydrant, instead of fierce fountain, you'd barely get a pathetic dribble. It leaves you so empty, almost hollow, with a feeling of being cheated out of something so basic as breathing.
And sometimes it's your casual masturbation session, just before you go to sleep, or in a shower and you get rewarded with a powerful orgasm leaving you breathless, trying to collect scattering thoughts, not realizing where you are and what just happened.
I'm yet to understand the mechanics of it and I don't think I'll ever will.
Current Mood: accomplished
January 9th, 2007
|09:29 am - Decisions|
Decisions, decisions, decisions....
Every day we make thousands of them. Small ones, big ones, what to wear, what to eat, what CD do I want to listen in the car on a way to work?
Which cereal do I want, do I want coffee or tea?
Do I tell my boss to go fuck himself or kiss his ass?
Do I go to the gym, or skip it and come up with a lame excuse?
Do I this, or that...
I'm pulling my hair out. What happened to me? I used to be pretty good at this, I mean making small irrelevant life changes with admirable certainty.
It's all gone now. I can't sort through the simplest things.
I stand in a store staring at shelves with array of products and can't make an intelligent decision, based on my particular needs, shrinking budget, brand recognition, visual preferences, tactile sensations and some kind of intangible connection I tend to make with things.
I just don't understand what has happened to me. I call my wife about every stupid thing I buy. It's like I'm so afraid to make a mistake, the world will cease to exist...
Nothing will happen. I know. I know. I'm sure of that.
I'm absolutely and positively sure nothing bad will happen, except maybe(?) one bad choice. So what, we all make wrong decisions every day and world is still here and I'm still ......
Current Mood: listless
December 28th, 2006
|02:42 pm - Happy Holidays?|
Funny, how I don't like something when I suck at it...
Well, first of all let me wish you all a happy holidays, since I'm a bit late for Christmas, but in time for New Year :
Happy New Year! May you find peace within yourself and then all the wishes will come true.
Maybe not all of them, because we want some of our wishes to be kept secret, even from ourselves. I have some secret desires and fantasies I'm afraid to admit about even to myself.
I have some dirty, dirty secrets and bunch of skeletons in my closet. I let them out once in a while, but some of them are better stay there.
I let one of them out today, I told my friend a sad, sad story of my first love. In retrospective it damaged me in some ways. I'm no longer a wholesome boy next door, but poor, deranged individual.
Anyway, what was I saying?
Ah, yeah - sucking at something. Actually, that will be for tomorrow... or first love story? I'll take a vote. ;)
By the way, skiing kicks ass. I want to go back and ski and ski and ski...
Oh, I got me new phone, now I'm the coolest kid on the block, yay!
Current Mood: cheerful
December 20th, 2006
|04:26 pm - Old friends|
I'm not sure I've talked about it, but nonetheless, it got me thinking lately, so here we go.
How does friendship survive when two friends move apart?
Over the years I was able to keep only one friend, the rest are lost and their names are nothing, but a memory so distant I'm starting to wonder if it's real or not. Much like with most of my life's events. Sometimes going through old pictures I discover familiar faces, barely recollecting times shared together. It very well could be attributed to my poor memory, but the fact remains true - I keep losing memory of lost friends and it doesn't really bother me.
Couple of years ago one of my friends had a girlfriend. We quickly became good friends, partied together, invited each other for dinners and drinks, had couple of sleepover parties, you got the picture. Not the best friends, but pretty darn close to great friends.
Something happened, they had broke up and although we still stayed friends for few more months, she decided to move to another state, especially when her job offered her a promotion and relocation. She took it and we all supported her, because it felt right for her, plus her sister lived in that city.
We said our farewells, she promised to come visit us at least once a year and that was it. At the beginning we called each other, talked about her new boyfriend, her new house she bought, her new life. After awhile I started to care less and less and no amount of talks to bring the feeling of closeness back and it is understandable - fire needs wood to burn.
I've called her last Friday to say "Happy Hanukkah!", but she was too busy to talk, called me Saturday morning, but I was still sleeping, called her back yesterday and after about 5 minutes, she had something to do and I suggested we schedule a "catch up" meeting on Friday, when we both have time.
Although, I'm kinda looking forward to it, I don't really care about her new boyfriend and new car, or whatever is happening in her life.
And again, I understand the reasons and motives and what not.
My biggest problem is that I want to care, and it's very, very hard.
I hate losing friends...
Current Mood: sad
December 15th, 2006
|02:49 pm - Much ado about nothing|
OK, I know I shouldn't be even talking about it, but yesterday I was picking mail and since my wife subscribes to one of those tabloids, such as "People", "Us" and "OK", I skimmed over one as I was walking back to my house. By now everybody probably heard about Britney this and Britney that, and I think it's totally normal for a 25 year old to party for awhile. But, no, those stupid psychologist and her friends are immediately concerned that "Britney is going for nervous breakdown." Oh, poor girl, she got it so tough, people split up everyday and they don't have 50 million fortune. Anyway, I had to vent about it for a second. I'm done.
I was always wondering about bad guys in movies. Especially fairy tales. There is always an ugly guy with evil laughter with no more purpose in life, but to destroy the world, or at least some kingdom, or let undead minions to conquer everything and kill everyone.
Jeez. What a miserable existence! Suppose for a second they succeed, which actually never happens in movies or books, but nonetheless, this bad guy is very good at his evil profession, his cunning skills deserve admiration from general public, or at least his court sycophants, but what happens if they actually succeed and destroy whatever they are longing to annihilate? Life loses meaning, because I see those guys don't ever eat, therefore I assume they don't require foot, hence can't even enjoy nice meal with expensive glass of wine, which they can surely afford, considering their riches.
They don't enjoy girls, or sex in general, because for some reason I can't really associate that poor green-looking bastard with troubled look on his face, babbling spells, which supposedly help him in his evil quest with curvaceous courtesan laying among silk pillows enjoying his time off from taking over the world (or destroying it).
So, nothing really gives them pleasure or satisfaction, not even post-workout shower or summer picnic with barbecue. They don't whistle at passing girls, they never have first kiss and first mortgage bill.
Of course, I can't understand their mentality, because they are pure evil, but there is gotta be something common among all the creatures.
Anyway I was just blabbering, my time lately is crazy with interviews, and recruiters calling in all the time and talking about the same shit over and over and telling everybody how good I am, and what a good fit I will be for this or that position....Arghhh! Alas, but those a realities of any job search.
I hope everyone has a great weekend, and don't do anything stupid, or at least something you will regret later. Gotta respect yourself in the morning... ;)
Current Mood: hyper
December 11th, 2006
|03:11 pm - "V" to da "O"|
We've discovered vaginal orgasm. That was something else. She never had vaginal before, only clitoral. Yesterday, it was business as usual, we weren't even in specifically "playful" mood, it just happened.
A bit of foreplay, a bit of kissing and touching, I thought it wasn't going to lead to anything great, just plain sex, more like a point to finish a nice day. Suddenly, her gaze became dreamy, she started breathing really hard and making those sexy noises, almost like in porn movies, but they just sounded real. That was such a huge turn on. Then after about minute or two, she gave out this almost a scream with suddenly coarse voice, her whole body shuddered and then after few seconds went limp. That got me and I finished within seconds of her.
She opened her eyes and with the happiest smile on her face whispered, obviously overwhelmed: "I think I had vaginal orgasm".
What started as routine sex, turned into great experience.
I guess, "...life is a box of chocolates..."
Current Mood: excited
December 5th, 2006
|10:01 pm - Share|
Lately I've been thinking about most ordinary things: relationships, our reasons for staying in and getting out, what makes us happy or sad - most boring things.
One of my latest discoveries is this:
One of the reasons people stay together is the ability to share thoughts, joys and fears.
Before I'd simply say "I want to share my life with you", but only now I understand what it exactly means.
Today my friend asked me to be on his groom's party. I called my wife to tell her and she asked me if she could call back in 2 minutes. She called back in 15. The entire 15 minutes I was physically uncomfortable, almost silently begging her to call me. I was relieved when she called, so we could discuss my friend's proposition and "share" the moment.
I think over the years I have accustomed myself to share every little piece of my life with her and it hurts me greatly thinking that one day all of it may be over and I would have to learn to be self contained again. I'm not saying it will, but there is always a possibility, not necessarily physical separation, but emotional detachment.
That's scary. It also scares me how I've grown to be emotionally dependent on another person.
I don't know, maybe that's how this whole thing is suppose to work?
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Christmas carols
November 30th, 2006
|02:27 pm - I have been tagged|
Once tagged by this entry, the assignment's to write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about you. Then, pick six of your friends and tag them; no tag backs. This explanation should be included.
I've been tagged. Here it goes:
1. Often I end up doing something I'm really afraid of. Latest example - motorcycles.
2. I still secretly think I'm very cute, or since I'm not 18 anymore - handsome.
3. I have three-colored beard: black, brown and red.
4. The longest I've spent on the phone in one day: 14 hours. (I still remember that phone bill. Ouch!)
5. I got my first grey hair when I was 6.
6. I love trimming nails. My own that is.
And the six people I tag for this are: sistermoon65, thesociopath, mjtheanarchist, toastie, smokkee911 and xoraclex.
I would have tagged more, but rules are rules. ;)
Current Mood: taggy