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January 18th, 2007

10:49 am - First love story Long promised first love story. Here it goes. Just remember back in a days, we started later. None of my friends got pregnant when they were 13, we didn't start drinking until 16 or 17, the whole world moved at a slower pace. Oh, and another thing - I'm not very eloquent writer, and to tell the truth, I'm not a writer at all. So, without further ado... ( Read on ) Current Mood: okay

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January 16th, 2007

01:49 pm - Junk Sometimes I'm amazed by how much junk we accumulate over lifetime. School trophys, concert tickets, first sweetheart's love letter, 20 year old trip maps, old pictures of people we barely remember. Each one of us has a little box of stuff from over the years, from different eras. I have a box containing, first driver license, couple of silver rings I used to wear, already darkened over time and obviously not fitting anymore, small greenish stone that was given by some girl I can't even remember, but recall it as a very romantic experience, my first earring, toy soldier and few more trinkets. I have few albums filled with pictures of me, my family, my girlfriends and friends. Why do I keep them, they have no value to anybody except me, but what is it, the sentimental value? I think maybe it's some kind of connection to our past, our milestones, tying us up to certain events of our lives. They are markers in our memories, proving those memories are real and that life was not imagined. After we're gone, it becomes what it really is - junk, essentially reducing our lives to nothing. There will be a little remembrance for about two generations and then it's over... Why, knowing all this, I still save all those useless bits of my life in a box? Current Mood: melancholy

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January 11th, 2007

12:53 pm - Orgasms smokkee911 nudged me nicely today, pointing out that I've promised to talk about orgasms, but never actually have. It's been awhile, since i've decided to talk about it, i can't remember what i wanted to say, but what the hell, I can always try to bs my way through, right? So, why does it happen sometimes you're having the best sex of your life, everything is so wonderful, you're floating in a cloud of happiness, your sweaty bodies rub against each other, the climax is very near and you know, you just simply know it's gonna be an explosion of feelings, an eruption of primal sensations and then when it comes, there is almost nothing, like when you knock down a fire hydrant, instead of fierce fountain, you'd barely get a pathetic dribble. It leaves you so empty, almost hollow, with a feeling of being cheated out of something so basic as breathing. And sometimes it's your casual masturbation session, just before you go to sleep, or in a shower and you get rewarded with a powerful orgasm leaving you breathless, trying to collect scattering thoughts, not realizing where you are and what just happened. I'm yet to understand the mechanics of it and I don't think I'll ever will. Current Mood: accomplished

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January 9th, 2007

09:29 am - Decisions Decisions, decisions, decisions.... Every day we make thousands of them. Small ones, big ones, what to wear, what to eat, what CD do I want to listen in the car on a way to work? Which cereal do I want, do I want coffee or tea? Do I tell my boss to go fuck himself or kiss his ass? Do I go to the gym, or skip it and come up with a lame excuse? Do I this, or that... Aaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! I'm pulling my hair out. What happened to me? I used to be pretty good at this, I mean making small irrelevant life changes with admirable certainty. It's all gone now. I can't sort through the simplest things. I stand in a store staring at shelves with array of products and can't make an intelligent decision, based on my particular needs, shrinking budget, brand recognition, visual preferences, tactile sensations and some kind of intangible connection I tend to make with things. I just don't understand what has happened to me. I call my wife about every stupid thing I buy. It's like I'm so afraid to make a mistake, the world will cease to exist... Nothing will happen. I know. I know. I'm sure of that. I'm absolutely and positively sure nothing bad will happen, except maybe(?) one bad choice. So what, we all make wrong decisions every day and world is still here and I'm still ...... Current Mood: listless

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December 28th, 2006

02:42 pm - Happy Holidays? Funny, how I don't like something when I suck at it... Well, first of all let me wish you all a happy holidays, since I'm a bit late for Christmas, but in time for New Year : Happy New Year! May you find peace within yourself and then all the wishes will come true. Maybe not all of them, because we want some of our wishes to be kept secret, even from ourselves. I have some secret desires and fantasies I'm afraid to admit about even to myself. I have some dirty, dirty secrets and bunch of skeletons in my closet. I let them out once in a while, but some of them are better stay there. I let one of them out today, I told my friend a sad, sad story of my first love. In retrospective it damaged me in some ways. I'm no longer a wholesome boy next door, but poor, deranged individual. Anyway, what was I saying? Ah, yeah - sucking at something. Actually, that will be for tomorrow... or first love story? I'll take a vote. ;) By the way, skiing kicks ass. I want to go back and ski and ski and ski... Oh, I got me new phone, now I'm the coolest kid on the block, yay! Current Mood: cheerful

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December 20th, 2006

04:26 pm - Old friends I'm not sure I've talked about it, but nonetheless, it got me thinking lately, so here we go. Losing friends. Keeping friends. How does friendship survive when two friends move apart? Over the years I was able to keep only one friend, the rest are lost and their names are nothing, but a memory so distant I'm starting to wonder if it's real or not. Much like with most of my life's events. Sometimes going through old pictures I discover familiar faces, barely recollecting times shared together. It very well could be attributed to my poor memory, but the fact remains true - I keep losing memory of lost friends and it doesn't really bother me. Couple of years ago one of my friends had a girlfriend. We quickly became good friends, partied together, invited each other for dinners and drinks, had couple of sleepover parties, you got the picture. Not the best friends, but pretty darn close to great friends. Something happened, they had broke up and although we still stayed friends for few more months, she decided to move to another state, especially when her job offered her a promotion and relocation. She took it and we all supported her, because it felt right for her, plus her sister lived in that city. We said our farewells, she promised to come visit us at least once a year and that was it. At the beginning we called each other, talked about her new boyfriend, her new house she bought, her new life. After awhile I started to care less and less and no amount of talks to bring the feeling of closeness back and it is understandable - fire needs wood to burn. I've called her last Friday to say "Happy Hanukkah!", but she was too busy to talk, called me Saturday morning, but I was still sleeping, called her back yesterday and after about 5 minutes, she had something to do and I suggested we schedule a "catch up" meeting on Friday, when we both have time. Although, I'm kinda looking forward to it, I don't really care about her new boyfriend and new car, or whatever is happening in her life. And again, I understand the reasons and motives and what not. My biggest problem is that I want to care, and it's very, very hard. I hate losing friends... Current Mood: sad

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December 15th, 2006

02:49 pm - Much ado about nothing OK, I know I shouldn't be even talking about it, but yesterday I was picking mail and since my wife subscribes to one of those tabloids, such as "People", "Us" and "OK", I skimmed over one as I was walking back to my house. By now everybody probably heard about Britney this and Britney that, and I think it's totally normal for a 25 year old to party for awhile. But, no, those stupid psychologist and her friends are immediately concerned that "Britney is going for nervous breakdown." Oh, poor girl, she got it so tough, people split up everyday and they don't have 50 million fortune. Anyway, I had to vent about it for a second. I'm done. I was always wondering about bad guys in movies. Especially fairy tales. There is always an ugly guy with evil laughter with no more purpose in life, but to destroy the world, or at least some kingdom, or let undead minions to conquer everything and kill everyone. Jeez. What a miserable existence! Suppose for a second they succeed, which actually never happens in movies or books, but nonetheless, this bad guy is very good at his evil profession, his cunning skills deserve admiration from general public, or at least his court sycophants, but what happens if they actually succeed and destroy whatever they are longing to annihilate? Life loses meaning, because I see those guys don't ever eat, therefore I assume they don't require foot, hence can't even enjoy nice meal with expensive glass of wine, which they can surely afford, considering their riches. They don't enjoy girls, or sex in general, because for some reason I can't really associate that poor green-looking bastard with troubled look on his face, babbling spells, which supposedly help him in his evil quest with curvaceous courtesan laying among silk pillows enjoying his time off from taking over the world (or destroying it). So, nothing really gives them pleasure or satisfaction, not even post-workout shower or summer picnic with barbecue. They don't whistle at passing girls, they never have first kiss and first mortgage bill. Of course, I can't understand their mentality, because they are pure evil, but there is gotta be something common among all the creatures. Anyway I was just blabbering, my time lately is crazy with interviews, and recruiters calling in all the time and talking about the same shit over and over and telling everybody how good I am, and what a good fit I will be for this or that position....Arghhh! Alas, but those a realities of any job search. I hope everyone has a great weekend, and don't do anything stupid, or at least something you will regret later. Gotta respect yourself in the morning... ;) Current Mood: hyper

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December 11th, 2006

03:11 pm - "V" to da "O" We've discovered vaginal orgasm. That was something else. She never had vaginal before, only clitoral. Yesterday, it was business as usual, we weren't even in specifically "playful" mood, it just happened. A bit of foreplay, a bit of kissing and touching, I thought it wasn't going to lead to anything great, just plain sex, more like a point to finish a nice day. Suddenly, her gaze became dreamy, she started breathing really hard and making those sexy noises, almost like in porn movies, but they just sounded real. That was such a huge turn on. Then after about minute or two, she gave out this almost a scream with suddenly coarse voice, her whole body shuddered and then after few seconds went limp. That got me and I finished within seconds of her. She opened her eyes and with the happiest smile on her face whispered, obviously overwhelmed: "I think I had vaginal orgasm". What started as routine sex, turned into great experience. I guess, "...life is a box of chocolates..." Current Mood: excited

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December 5th, 2006

10:01 pm - Share Lately I've been thinking about most ordinary things: relationships, our reasons for staying in and getting out, what makes us happy or sad - most boring things. One of my latest discoveries is this: One of the reasons people stay together is the ability to share thoughts, joys and fears. Before I'd simply say "I want to share my life with you", but only now I understand what it exactly means. Today my friend asked me to be on his groom's party. I called my wife to tell her and she asked me if she could call back in 2 minutes. She called back in 15. The entire 15 minutes I was physically uncomfortable, almost silently begging her to call me. I was relieved when she called, so we could discuss my friend's proposition and "share" the moment. I think over the years I have accustomed myself to share every little piece of my life with her and it hurts me greatly thinking that one day all of it may be over and I would have to learn to be self contained again. I'm not saying it will, but there is always a possibility, not necessarily physical separation, but emotional detachment. That's scary. It also scares me how I've grown to be emotionally dependent on another person. I don't know, maybe that's how this whole thing is suppose to work? Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Christmas carols

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November 30th, 2006

02:27 pm - I have been tagged Once tagged by this entry, the assignment's to write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about you. Then, pick six of your friends and tag them; no tag backs. This explanation should be included. I've been tagged. Here it goes: 1. Often I end up doing something I'm really afraid of. Latest example - motorcycles. 2. I still secretly think I'm very cute, or since I'm not 18 anymore - handsome. 3. I have three-colored beard: black, brown and red. 4. The longest I've spent on the phone in one day: 14 hours. (I still remember that phone bill. Ouch!) 5. I got my first grey hair when I was 6. 6. I love trimming nails. My own that is. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And the six people I tag for this are: sistermoon65, thesociopath, mjtheanarchist, toastie, smokkee911 and xoraclex. I would have tagged more, but rules are rules. ;) Current Mood: taggy

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01:43 pm - Art of being happy I was going to talk about orgasms, but today on a way to work something more important hit me and I decided to put off the orgasm talk. Every man should be happy or at least content with his job and since I hate my job, am going to leave and already started looking for another one, which unfortunately might take up to few months, i need to be content in interim. I started thinking that made me realize something - all this time i was unhappy, because I was trying to do something I'm not very good at, or better yet, suck at. A lot of jobs have natural progression from doing thing A, gaining experience, moving to do thing B, then maybe thing C. I never thought that sometimes it is better to do thing B well, than to move to thing C and be inadequate at it. This it what happened to me - I was trying to jump over my head. It doesn't prove that I'm too stupid, or uneducated to perform my duties at job C, but I'd rather be awesome at job B, right? So, the decision is made: I will go back to performing job B and have people bowing to me in awe and have excellent work record, then see those constant frowns and back-stabbing talk. Reiterating I will leave this company no matter what, but I will have more self respect, will enjoy my time at work more, will be less stressful. However you look at it, I will be better, and this is what actually matters. P.S.I want to thank everybody for your wonderful emotional support. I needed it. Current Mood: content

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November 29th, 2006

04:59 pm This just seems stupid. She has company meetings plus Christmas party next Friday. She is flying there on Thursday and Christmas party is on Friday. She wants me to fly in on Friday, enjoy the party and fly out the same evening, or maybe spending night in a hotel and coming back next morning. First, people she works with are old and boring. There is a one couple which is halfway decent. Last time we got drunk with them, it was fun. Secondly, I don't particularly enjoy flying, especially twice the same day. Third, I don't really like hotels, unless I'm traveling. I told her I'd go if she really wants me to, but she got upset, because she wants me to want to go. I can't want what I don't want, I just don't want to lie to myself. I understand she wants to spend time with me, but it won't even happen, because 75% of the time she'll spend in stupid meetings, then we'll mingle at the stupid Christmas party and then tired and grumpy we'll fly back, because we have a lot to do on Saturday and we have her family coming over. It just doesn't make sense to me. She has to go, but I don't, I'd rather stay at home, maybe relax, maybe clean up a little or do some work around house, cause it's an unfinished project. So, no she's frustrated with me, I'm upset because she's frustrated, and I screwed up my facial hair sprouting today, while experimenting. :( Note to self: Never take cosmetic advice from a barely awakened woman. Current Mood: mellow

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November 28th, 2006

05:46 pm - it's all about me... Here's what i've learned today: - my peers don't really like me; - they think i do a shitty job; - my manager thinks very low of me as well; - i don't qualify for any promotions in a near or any future; - actually, i don't really qualify even for my position; - i will die in this cubicle; I was surprised about first one, i thought i was a people's person. I was surprised about second one, because they never told me anything, except good things (lying bastards). I wasn't surprised about third one, because he doesn't know me and doesn't care to know me. I wasn't surprised about fourth one, i know my abilities. I wasn't surprised about fifth one, because all i'm given are assignments 5-year old can do. (please, don't expect me to be excited about primitive tasks, i hate them) I don't know if i'm surprised or not about the last one, it's just my own assumption. pardon my French: F U C K    C O R P O R A T E    W O R L D ! Current Mood: listless

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November 27th, 2006

03:00 pm The other day we walked into a store selling glass dildos. I've seen glass toys before in porn movies, but these were very different. They were bent and had bumps and were surprisingly pleasant to the touch being made out of glass. They were also surprisingly expensive, but promising unbelievable pleasures and hitting G-spot every single time. The name was Phallix, as a company making them. I have a question if anybody used them, or may heard anything about them? Salesgirl said they are extremely popular and nothing like rubber dildos, because once inserted, a woman cannot tell the material it's made out of, plus it warms up to the temperature of whatever is touching it. Basically I'm wondering if it's worth buying? Current Mood: curious

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November 15th, 2006

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November 13th, 2006

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November 9th, 2006

10:03 pm I just want to apologize to everybody I wasn't responding or making new posts. My work takes its toll. I've been putting 12-14 hours a day and by the time I get home, i can't even look at stupid computer. This should all change starting next week, since we should be done with our project. I can't wait. I just want to sleep and then sleep some more. Update: The project is over. I've slept. Back to reality... Current Location: work Current Mood: drained

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November 7th, 2006

11:14 am - Inane days It is absolutely retarded, but I have no thoughts about anything. My mind is barren and it bores even me. I think it's one of these days that go unremembered in a row of identically listless siblings. Nothing happens, I don't meet anybody new, let alone exciting. There is a good side of this monotonous coin - nothing bad happens either. As the saying goes: "No bad news is good news". Me and my buddy resumed running, however this time we started running in the mornings, which is a great way to start a day, but for a second day i've been dragging my feet. I'm not sure what's wrong, because I should be energized, happy and peppy, but instead i feel beat up and comatose. Maybe since I waste all my energy for that morning run, all I can do is sit down. I'm glad I have a sedentary job; moving faster than a snail would require too much effort and energy my body simply refuses to produce. Hmm, maybe I should consider Red Bull or something as excessively sugary? Doesn't do much for me, unless it goes half-n-half with vodka. Current Mood: bored

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November 3rd, 2006

12:47 pm - a rock and a hard place How do you choose between your spouse and your relatives, like your brother or your sister? How do you prioritize them? Who is more important, your sibling you pretty much shared your life with up until this point or your spouse you've been sharing last few years? Your brother you've been fighting your entire childhood and who will never betray you, will never take someone else's side, or your wife, who loves you, but in a back of your mind you know one day might decide you're not worthy and leave for somebody else, or turn your life into living hell? I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place at this point, both my wife and my brother are pulling me apart and I don't know what to do. I should be doing what's best for me, but best for me is for both of them to be happy and I can't make one happy without hurting the other one. My heart doesn't want to help, my mind is spinning out of control. I turn to you, did you ever experience something like that? Whose side did you choose, cause I'm pulling my hair... Current Mood: stressed

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October 31st, 2006

08:52 am - Blah to the power of two Right now we could be called a perfect family. We don't argue, we try to predict each other wishes, we hug and sometimes even kiss, we hold hands and talk a lot about everything, but with each passing day, it feels like we're getting further and further away from each other physically. I suspect she's losing attraction to me. I think the same goes in my department. When we get to bed, I don't really bother to play with her, I don't really care if we have any intimacy. Every time I think about sex, I have this very "blah" feeling, like my libido is quietly dying. I don't understand what's going on, because on every other plane our relationship is perfect and we're almost a model family. I don't even want to jerk off. No interest, no desire. I haven't watched porn for quite some time now. I deleted 80% of my porn movies, when I was doing some computer cleaning. Maybe it's depression, although I don't feel depressed? Weird... Current Mood: blah

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